![]() In the background, a festive boat full of dancing trans people moves through the canals of Amsterdam. Along with Rik van de Westelaken, she reports on Pride 2019 for NOS. But, for once, I was grateful not to need it.Gender euphoria! - Illustrated by Jan Broekhuizen ‘You have to realise that these people are not in an enviable position,’ says Ellie Lust. Honestly, we probably could have benefited from some more communication. With a Hitachi Magic Wand pressed between us, I stopped imagining everything that could go wrong and just focused on all the ways we could make it go right. ![]() I don't know if that's something she wanted or something she thought I wanted. In the throes of passion, I don't want to have to ask a potentially mood-killing question like "Are you afraid of seeing me completely naked?"Īs it turned out, that night after speed dating, we kept our underwear on the entire time. I don't feel like there's some toxic cloud hanging over me that requires us to sit down and have a serious conversation. I don't have to stop to say, "Wait, there's something about me you should know," as tension rises for a dramatic reveal. It can happen in porn, with a familiar partner, or just with someone who I know is a good ally. I love moments in which being trans just doesn't matter. I wanted a space where other trans people and I could take center stage and represent ourselves in our own vision. That's actually a big part of why I got into making porn and erotic documentaries. It should be about what you want to do, not what you think others want you to do. Either way, the result is the same: anxiety if we try it. At some points, I can't tell if I'm actually averse to certain kinds of touching or sex, or if I just think that I should be. ![]() Are they expecting me to penetrate them? Will they be disappointed if I don't want to? Will they be disgusted if I do? With so many other people's desires for my body, it can be hard to know my own desires. Others invest so much attention in how trans people use our genitals. When I hook up with someone, the ghosts of those conversations are often in my head. My jaw dropped at the implication that real women don't have sex drives, but I remembered her lesson-pretend not to want sex or people will judge you. She said fetishists can't stand it, so only the true women remain. When I was first transitioning, an older trans woman explained one benefit of testosterone blockers: They kill your sex drive. Many of these outdated notions have been removed since the turn of the century however, large portions of the trans community continue to enforce them anyway. For some, it's just about preparing younger trans people to deal with the doctors. After decades of this system, trans people learned and taught each other how to jump through all the right hoops. Liking sex too much, in the wrong way, or with the wrong people can mean you don't get access to hormones. (Supposedly, if you crossdress without masturbating, you're a true transsexual, but if you masturbate, too, then it's just a sexual fetish.) ![]() I was taken aback by his incestuous suggestion and only later realized it was apparently a diagnostic test. Sexuality has been used as the basis for a lot of discrimination against trans people, who are treated as sexual objects, and the medical system has a long history of putting trans people through twisted expectations around sexuality.įor example, the first time I went to a therapist, out of the blue he asked me if I ever masturbated while wearing my mother's clothing. Before I knew it, we were making out in a hotel room.įor trans people, sex can be an anxiety-laden issue. After the event ended, I worked up the courage to make a move. You'd be surprised how many people are fine with having trans friends but freak out at the prospect of a trans lover. Still, I must admit, there was a tinge of hesitation on my part. She was hanging out with trans friends, and all signs said she was perfectly safe. I was traveling, and my expectations weren't very high, but there was one person I hit it off with. But when I saw a speed-dating event specifically for queer and trans people, I couldn't resist. Speed dating doesn't usually appeal to me. ![]()
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